Lori’s blog

I decided to start this blog because I need a way to get some of my anger and frustration out.  I am just overall miserable.

I am dealing with alot of turmoil right now.  I am in the middle of a divorce, well really the beginning.  I hate this!  This is not the life that I chose for myself.  I hate that someone else, 2 people actually were in control of my destiny.  I am feeling so much anger, most of the time, I would classify it as rage. 

My husband who I had been with for 15 years, married 12 of those decided that he was not happy and didn't want to be married to me anymore.  Of corse he didn't decide this until a girl 10 years younger told him that she wished that he wasn't married.  So he started sneaking around talking to her on the phone and texting her constantly.  I found out early on and confronted him.  I got the crap that you would expect, "we're just friends".  We stayed together for another month and a half.  I thought that he would realize that he was being an idiot.  How can someone throw away their whole life after a few phone calls?

I finally told him that if he was going to continue to live with me that he could not talk to her.  So, he packed his stuff and he told the kids that we don't get along anymore.  The kids were devastated.  It was a complete shock to them.  At the time I was so worried about them blaming me.  So I told them the truth.  I told them that we got along fine, and that their Dad had a girlfriend.  Then I looked at him and told him right in front of the kids that he had to chose me or her.  He didn't even say anything, he just packed his stuff and left.

The kids were so upset.  They cried constantly.  He wouldn't let us go.  He came over all the time.  I thought it was a good thing, because I still wanted him to wake up and see that he needed to come home.  I basically became the other woman.  Well his girlfriend ended up chosing to go back to her old boyfriend, who she had been dating the whole time that she was with him.  Then he came back around, saying he was so sorry and that he needed to be with his family.  I really felt like I was doing the right thing by letting him come back.  I now know that was wrong.  She ended up breaking up with her boyfriend and calling my husband again.  

So now he has moved out and he is with her all of the time.  At this point, I am fine with not being with him.  I actually prefer it that way.  He is not the same man that I loved.  He has become something ugly and selfish.  I am having a hard time dealing with him, though.  Sometimes I think it would be good if we could be friends for the kids.  But, I am so angry with him that I can't stand to look at him.  He intentionally does things to tick me off and I don't know how to handle it.  It's strange because I thought that I would still have some feelings left for him.  But the only thing I feel for him is hatred.  I hope that goes away cause I have never hated anyone in my entire life.  I had a mother who taught me to have a kind heart.  I thank god for her. 

I am going to continue to blog as things happen.  I feel the need to keep a diary.  I am hoping if I blog my thoughts and feelings and then go back to read it at a later time.  I will be able to see some progress.  That is my hope.  I am also hoping it will be a good way for me to vent. 

Thanks for reading!